Trevor Dykes
Putting the "in" before sanity
Dr Trevor Dykes, aged 42.09, is a starving humorist slaving away to almost universal indifference in the comedy mines of Franconia. Born in Bournemouth, he emigrated to Germany in 1992 to loud cries of Bon Voyage, relief and good riddance. He earned his Doctorate in Humour from the University Collage of Dipwytch, Dorset by paying fifty pounds. His special areas of study include: sleeping, West African e-mail fraud, mammals and near-mammals of the Mesozoic and the virtual village of Dipwytch.
Trevor and the Teutons: How To Become Rich Dot Com
"The year 2000. The new millennium. I and my wife marked the occasion by doing what comes naturally to people of our age. I'm sure I needn't go into all the details. As soon as June had arrived, we abandoned our shyness, went up to the spare bedroom in the attic and indulged ourselves for the first time ever. The future was now. We surfed into the internet."
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Trevor and the Teutons: The Class Outing
"We recently spent an afternoon at a parent's and kid's event, organized for our daughter's school class. This naturally required a venue suitable for all ages, so we went to a pub and got sloshed."
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Trevor and the Teutons: About The Lodgers
"Two years ago, we got a new, state-subsidised composter. It was much larger than our previous one and seemed to fill up surprisingly quickly. However, in reality the composter was counter-intuitively roomier. Five minutes bashing with a spade can work wonders." Trevor describes how his garden appears to be a magnet for unwanted lodgers.
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Trevor and the Teutons: The Family Painting
"As you may know, a large part of successful decorating is dependent upon command decisions. For example, if Michelangelo had resolved to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with the largest roller available, I'm sure he'd have saved himself a great deal of time. That he chose a different approach perhaps suggests his artistic temperament impinged upon his sense of strategic planning. Alternatively, he might have been paid by the hour."
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Trevor and the Teutons: Wheels And Deals
"She said I'd enjoy the flea market; the cut and thrust of micro-capitalism. And, as she made it known that beer would be available to each according to their need, it sounded like a pleasant enough way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I didn't even mind hearing we'd be operating in accordance with a cash and carry basis, with her efforts concentrating more on the former."
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Trevor and the Teutons: Sing Out!
"Fischer's a man with a mission. He will happily set himself up in parks, market squares and shopping centres. And people smile and join in; dozens, hundreds and sometimes even thousands of them, singing along with tunes we know as 'Roll Out The Barrel', or 'I Love To Go A-Wandering'." All about German folk singing phenomenon Gotthilf Fischer...
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Trevor and the Teutons: Match of the Day
"I don't think I've mentioned my illustrious football career. To those who don't know me personally, it may come as a surprise to hear I had one. It would be completely incredible to my acquaintances, but people are full of surprises. " Trevor reminisces about the last time he pulled on his boots...
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Trevor and the Teutons: Merryweather's Original Words of Wisdom
"I've no idea where that case fell down from or how it arrived in the cellar, although some of the bric-à-brac is probably fertile. ...that's how I came across half of a booklet published in 1812: 'Merryweather's Concise Compendium of Wisdom, Idioms and Expressions Collected during Mr Merryweather's Journies Around and Through the.' I'm not sure where Merryweather had been, seeing as the cover was less than well-preserved." Trevor goes rooting through his cellar and unearths some pearls of questionable wisdom...
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Trevor and the Teutons: Rings, Flags and Bells
"I'm going to add an extra touch this year, assuming I can find one of those amusing e-greetings cards. If I put enough effort into it, I'm confident I'll come up with a heartfelt template at Yahoo.com. Imagine my wife's delight at discovering an 'I Love You' e-mail on the computer! I wonder if they've got one with dancing dinosaurs. Of course, I'd prefer a message featuring the newly described Upper Jurassic mammal, Fruitafossor. (It was a mouse-sized eater of ants, by the way.) However, this is intended as a romantic gesture for my wife, and I doubt Yahoo.com have any anniversary e-cards featuring Mesozoic mammals. I can't think why." Trevor muses on his forthcoming wedding anniversary, the death of the Pope, and 1.FC Nürnberg's impending relegation...
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Around Turkey: News from the Front
"I can't tell you precisely where I am. This isn't a matter of secrecy. It's a consequence of my overall unfamiliarity with the local geography and the fact that most of the road signs are in Turkish. I don't know if they're hoping to direct me to the next town or a golf course." Trevor Dykes invades the Turkish Riviera...
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Fun Stuff: An Enquiry from West Africa
"'Before the death of my father on february2005 in a private hospital here in Nouadhibou he secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has 15 TONS DRIED WHALE PENISES...' Our resident paleontologist, Dr Trev, doesn't normally interest himself in the penises of whales. They're a bit too fresh. However, he has agreed to attempt an approximation of how many individuals may have been castrated." Trevor Dykes examines one of the weirdest 419 scams yet...
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Trevor and the Teutons: Gathering nuts in May
"Of course, not all regions mark the post-blossoming of spring by thrashing VfL Bochum 2-1 in front of 44,000 dancing maniacs. Some young 'Bürger' of Berlin have evolved their own style of making merry in May. As dusk prepares to descend, groups of young men gather in the streets of the district of Kreuzberg. When sufficiently provoked, they turn to the task of trashing cars, and employ a method of ignition not envisaged by the motor industry; the petrol bomb. If this happened in Munich, I'm convinced people would emerge from the surrounding houses, armed with sausages and steaks, and commence cooking." Trevor's thoughts turn to Germany's traditional Springtide celebrations, which also include football, beer and - oh no - German folk music...
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