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Jake The Dawg’s Lawg

by Mike Clark’s dog Jake

July 3rd Chased a bus today. Damn near caught it, too. The Human let me out for my morning pee, and the bus went past. Chances like that are too good to pass up. Sometimes humans have no sense of humour. Like when I was letting him play with my ball, and I was hot, so I jumped in the burn to cool off. And have a drink. And a pee. At the same time. What’s wrong with that? I was facing upstream – I’m not stupid.

July 4th My sister’s here for her holidays. Her humans call her Zsa Zsa, but I call her Sis. She’s okay, but she rations my drinking. She growls at me after I’ve only had a couple of sips. Her humans are off to France, wherever that is. It must be south of Aberdeen, ‘cos I’ve been there and I can’t remember seeing it.

We went to Inverness to collect Sis. Her humans brought her, and we met up and had a picnic. Well, the humans had a picnic. We got out for a quick pee, then had to stay in the car. The Human said if we watched carefully, we might see dolphins in the Beauly Firth. I asked Sis. But she didn’t know what a dolphin was either. Or a Beauly Firth. What a waste of time that was. Then the Human kept embarrassing me on the road home. “This is Golspie, Zsa Zsa. Jake stopped for a pee here on the way down.” Gimme a break.

July 5th We had a food fight tonight. That was great fun. The Human went out of the room, so we chucked our bowls at each other. Beefy chunks and jelly all over the walls. Like a wallaby had swallowed a hand grenade. The Human wasn’t too chuffed, though, and refused to give us more. Spoilsport.

July 6th The Human took us to Dunnet Beach tonight. I love chasing my ring on the beach. I don’t know what’s funny about that, but the Human’s mate goes into hysterics when he hears I’ve been chasing my ring. Fitivver (funny how you pick up expressions from the humans you live with!), I’ve got this ring made of stuff like a tennis ball, and very bouncy, so I can do acrobatic catches and show off to all the beach-bitches. Haven’t pulled yet, though. Thought Sis would be impressed. Naw. She got off her lead, and made a bee-line for the nearest humans, sniffed them up, and was an bit of an embarrassment. I think she’s looking for her Mum. So it was only me who got soaking wet and covered in sand. Only me who brought half the beach into the house. Only me who had to sit in the kitchen to dry out, while she got all the sickly “nice-doggy” attention. It’s enough to put you off your Bonio.

July 7th We were bored tonight, ‘cos the Human was doing something important on the computer. He said it was Garden Design, but I think it was more to do with pottery ‘cos I saw something about bigjugs.com. Anyway, I’m banned from the vicinity after my paw-on-keyboard-delete-important-file incident, so Sis taught me a new game. It’s a bit complicated to explain, but it involves cushions, and finding out what’s inside them. It’s very educational. Fitivver, I wouldn’t recommend it if you have a human of a sensitive disposition. Or if you don’t like being shut in the kitchen. Again.

July 8th I usually like Thursdays, ‘cos the Human takes me gardening to this place with lots of grass and trees, and I get out all day. Well, it wasn’t quite the same with Sis. I think she’s homesick, so when she got out of the car, she took off. The Human was cracking up. He thought she was off down the A9, but I knew she was just exploring. Anyway, when we found her, he put her on a lead. How humiliating. Then worse, he made her stay in the car. It wasn’t fair, ‘cos I wanted to play with her. So I was grumpy. That’s why I bit the postie. It wasn’t personal. Humans don’t half over-react sometimes. Sis and I kept a low profile until dinner time.

July 9th Sis’s Mum phoned tonight from France – Cannes, the Human said, but I heard some of the conversation, and I think he meant canned. Anyway, she spoke to Sis, and said they were all having fun. And Sis put on this sickly voice and said “I’m missing you, but Jake and his Human are being nice to me . . so don’t worry about me. Just you enjoy your holiday. I’m fine.” And choked back a fake sob. When the Human put down the phone, she bit my neck and pinched half my dinner. Bitch.

July 10th The Human got mad at us tonight ‘cos we spilt stuff he was eating from a glass. It came out of a can, just like meaty chunks, but it’s like black water with scum on top and he keeps it in the fridge. He’s pretty laid back about most things – even when we sleep on his bed and won’t let him in – but he gets really worked up if we spill this black stuff. It was just an accident. I sniffed Sis’s bum, so she bit my ear. One thing led to another, and we just might have given the table a slight bump. Anyway, the black stuff out of the fridge went over his lap. I’m learning more human swear-words since Sis arrived.

July 11th Sis has a new trick today. She grabs me by the collar and drags me round the house. I have to go or I choke. The Human thinks it’s funny, but I don’t. I’d bite her bum if she wasn’t a guest.

She’s started sitting on my human, too, and he lets her. Maybe it’s because she’s smaller than me. Whenever I sit on him, he makes peculiar noises and begins to turn blue. Then gives me a row after he’s got his breath back. And he calls me Mr Clumsy, but I can’t help it. I’m getting a complex, ‘cos Sis is all refined and sickeningly lap-doggy with him, and shows me up. Then when he leaves us alone, she bites my ears. I still love her, though.

The Human and Sis are in the kitchen now, discussing which variety of meaty chunks to have tonight. I hope it’s wallaby again.

PG Author: Mike Clark

Mike discovered the joys of horticulture when, as a small child, he overheard a neighbour say she’d dropped a sixpence in the tattie patch. He has been digging ever since, with the tenacity of a true Scot, hoping one day to find a fiver.
Despite now running his own landscape gardening business, Mike claims to be permanently broke, due in part to his quest for fame resulting in writing gardening columns for free.
He likes trees, Jack Russells, and 12 year old Glen Ord, but not necessarily in that order. Gifts of any of these can be sent c/o britishexpat.com, but he would like to point out that the third item is by far the easiest and cheapest to post.
One of the highlights of his life was winning a toilet brush in a raffle. He persevered with it for ages, but he’s back on the paper now…
Mike approaches gardening and writing with exactly the same formula. Throw in plenty of manure, and something good will eventually spring up.

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