British Expat Forum

Submitted by: Victor

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later, the man the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained
to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed.

Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.

x
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But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.

submitted by: Squiffy

The Nun

Morris was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint
and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears
at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Morris gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can
you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that
it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will
know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Morris goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers
his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put it in a
teacup?"

"Oh no!" says the barman, "It's not that Nun again, is it?"

Submitted by: SSue

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver keeps staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive".

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: one, you have to be single and two, you must be Catholic."

The Cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied.. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says, "That's OK, 'cos my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Submitted by: Jayne

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "The Seven
Dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, ''No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY
dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Submitted by: Squiffy

It's Graduation day at the Shao Lin Monastery and after many long years perfecting the arts of picking up the red hot metal urn with the insides of the forearms, playing the flute, jumping up in the air and remaining there for fifteen seconds while the dull-witted rednecks lose track of you and, finally, walking the length of a strip of rice paper without leaving a trace, the monks are ready to go out into wide world and do whatever it is they do.

Given the length of the training course very few of the monks' parents are still alive enough to attend. However, those that are, after a slap up rice wine and rice feast and still swollen with pride at having seen their offspring invested with the sacred floppy hat, sandals and string bag, get to witness a selection of secret rituals culminating in the 'Mystery of the Unnervingly Blind Abbot Fending off the Javelins Thrown by the New Graduates.'

All is going well until one monk, perhaps distracted by the sight of his mother's rather garish Graduation Day hat, forgets to give the cry "Hah" on releasing his missile, with tragic consequences.

A deathly hush ensues as the Blind Abbot, speared through the roof of the mouth and pinned to the panels at the back of the stage, struggles to speak.

All gather round, anxious to hear what pearls may drop from the lips of the clearly moribund sage. Minutes pass as the master wrestles with death, desperate to leave one last message to mankind and finally, in a faint and agonised voice (and those close enough to hear will count themselves fortunate indeed) he utters the immortal last words, "What Kung Fu that?"

[submitted by Kay]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"