British Expat Forum

Submitted by Rich:

HOW TO DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it, and she should keep the beer and crisps coming.
(Alan, age 10)

No person really decides before they grow up whom they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (Kirsten, age 10)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER
by then. (Camille, age 10)

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
(Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age))

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids. (Derrick, age

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. (Lori, age

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
(Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure))

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. (Martin, age 10)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. (Craig, age 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. (Pam, age 7)

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that. (Curt, age 7)

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. (Howard, age

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going
to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. (Theodore,
age 8 (prescient little guy))

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them. (Anita, age 9 (Bless you child))

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? (Kelvin,
age

And the No. 1 favourite is...

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
(Ricky, age 10)

submitted by: Terry

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if
his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four!'"

Submitted by: Terry

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with
her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for
the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and
all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes
inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are
seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement
from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no
idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Submitted by Scotdiver

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.

Before getting there, the girl said, "I have a confession to make; the reason that we haven't been too intimate is because of my extremely flat chest. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's OK with me."

The guy thought about if for a while, and said that he didn't mind that she was flat, and that sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said, "I also have a confession; below my waist, it's just like a baby. If you want to cancel the wedding, it's OK with me."

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind, and she also believed that there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy about their honesty with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she regained consciousness, the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"

The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds, 21 inches."

Submitted by: Terry

A fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."
" I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ....abracadabra!...Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be b*stards

But fairies are.....Female!!

Posted by: SSue

The old couples anniversary
Been wed for all these years
They'd seen so much together
with so much joy and tears

The planned on something special
a real romantic show
they'd breakfast in the nuddy
like they used to long ago..

On the day of the occasion
They sat there..in the nude
And neither could have wished for
A more Romantic mood

She eyed him, and she whispered
We've certainly been blessed
And I've still got that feeling
Of warmth inside my breast

He said It's no wonder
As any fool can see
One is dangling in your porridge
And the other's in your Tea!!!!

Submitted by: HesitationKills

One beautiful Sunday morning the tiny town of Smithvale wakes up and goes to church. Before the service starts most of the congregation have seated themselves. They're all nattering to their neighbours when - shazam - Satan himself appears at the altar in flames.

Naturally, the townspeople erupt in chaos, with people fleeing the church, left, right and centre...except for Bill Scroggs. God's ultimate nemesis seems confused. He walks up to Bill and says, "Don't you know who I am?".

Bill replies, "Aye, I do.". Bewildered, Satan asks, "So, you aren't afraid of me then?". "No I'm not ." replies Bill calmly.

By now, Satan's melon is twisted beyond all recognition , "Why the hell not?" the dark Overlord enquires, to which Bill replies, "Because I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Submitted by: SSue

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" "His mistress. She tried to help my husband, then the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Submitted by: Squiffy

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Submitted by: Squiffy

Watching the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £75.50."