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Decisions, decisions...

breaking the news to the grandparents

Have I made the right choice? Homesickness etc.

breaking the news to the grandparents

Postby Projectmoose » Thu 19 Aug 2004 13:14 GMT

There is, of course, no right answer to this, but I wondered when others decided to tell parents/grandparents that they were emigrating?

When it's done and dusted and the visas have arrived? When you've submitted the forms? Saying now and running the risk of looking foolish if we're refused?

Trying to keep quiet about it at the moment is killing me - asking my mum for previous addresses, certificates and so on without letting on why I want to know. My sister (and other grandchild) has been in Toronto for years now and I know that our decision to go is not going to go down well.....

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Postby Graeme » Thu 19 Aug 2004 13:54 GMT

Difficult decision, I told them right off the bat and had to put up with several months of nagging. Apparently I was deserting them and England, my responsibilities were to them not to myself and my family, I'd never make it etc, etc. Fortunately my wife's family were very supportive and encouraged us along the way. I guess you just have to read your family and judge the best time for yourself, I don't think there is much to be gained by being deceitful though.
Just my thoughts.
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Postby Purley » Thu 19 Aug 2004 14:04 GMT

I agree with Graeme. Tell them in such a way that it seems like the most wonderful thing you could do and how they can come over and visit you whenever they like and get to see a new country etc. etc.

My sister and I came over in the 1960s when things were a lot different. We have talked about how we both decided to come here and so far as we can recall our parents never had too much to say about it. But in those days in England it seems like parents had kids and were not terribly close to them - at least I have discussed this with various English friends and they all seem to have the same recollections!!
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Postby liftman » Thu 19 Aug 2004 15:08 GMT

I still have not let on to my parents.

They moved to Spain fifteen years ago, so I do not think they can complain!!

It will still be a shock, but i think they will be supportive.
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Postby leoville » Thu 19 Aug 2004 19:42 GMT

Not after reading this :lol: :lol:





liftman wrote:I still have not let on to my parents.

They moved to Spain fifteen years ago, so I do not think they can complain!!

It will still be a shock, but i think they will be supportive.
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Postby liftman » Thu 19 Aug 2004 21:43 GMT

My parents are in their mid 70's.

Got them a computer last year.

Dad still phones me up to ask how to download the email pictures.

No worry about them finding this!
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Postby Projectmoose » Fri 20 Aug 2004 09:45 GMT

With my sister already over there (Toronto) with the only other grandchild I'm going to have to sell this one on the 'two for the price of one' ticket...maybe I could persuade them to buy a cottage up north for us all to abuse through the summer....

What I'm not looking forward to is the endless 'did you hear anything yet' questions when I'm sure we'll be leaping on the postman every morning as it is. I think once the forms are all in (as soon as the Policy thingy comes back!) I'll break it to them gently.

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Postby liftman » Fri 20 Aug 2004 14:52 GMT

If you do not tell them, they can't bother you! :lol:
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telling parents

Postby wendy » Sat 21 Aug 2004 07:43 GMT

Hi,
we told my parents straight away because i knew i would get good reaction, they love canada, have been many times, my sister lives in halifax now and they have seen her nearly every year. So they are excited my us going and think we should do it now why we are in 30's and our son is 3. My parents live in herts and i live in lancs, i only see them maybe once or twice a year, but i did leave home at 16 to live in london, so there isn't that tie there now.
But with my father-in-law it is different, my mother-in-law died 5 years ago so he is on his own, we are the closes to him, we live 2 mins around the corner. But our social life is my father-in-law, there every weekend. So to say he didn't take the news well.!! He has said it is the biggest mistake we will make but go and do it. We think his attuide is very selfish, as he left his family to go in army and also when he came out left his town to move to lancs. He is in his 70's now and very independent, has his own shop he runs on his own. He loves his grandson and that will be the hardest thing to do, take samuel away from him, but at the end of the day as my brother said to me, you have to be selfish once in your life.You have to think what is good for me, hubby and son. We hate where we live and do not want to bring samuel up here. It's very hard on my husband though, he keeps looking for postive response from his dad, and is not going to get it i don't think. So it is hard what to deceide, but you have to do whats best for your own family unit.
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Postby Rhodes » Sat 21 Aug 2004 19:32 GMT

We told my parents soon after we decided to move. So last October or November, I guess. My wife's parents are in Canada, Mrs Rhodes being Canadian, and we told them we wee thinking of doing s when we were there for pretty much the whole of last September.

My parents have been absolutely fine about it. I know they'll miss the grandchildren and my wife (and me, to a lesser extent!) but have been supportive throughout. There will, I am quite sure, have been tears when we're not around.
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Breaking the news to the grandparents

Postby canadastew0_3 » Fri 5 Nov 2004 10:58 GMT

I'm new here so hi everyone. Just registered & logged on to find this issue which I can add to.

My wife & 3 kids decided to apply to live in Canada Spring. have visited Nova scotia & loved the people, area, way of life, etc,etc.

My family & I aren't really close as I left at 17 to join the RAF. So far the level of interest from my lot is negligable.

However, the in laws were different. We discussed at length when to tell them & being the really honest types with standards & values, we waited until we had definately made up our mind, invited them round for a glass of wine in our garden & broke the news.

My wife was so nervous she struggled to speak which left it to me, I reckon I did a good job, explaining the background, reasons, etc. The insults began immediately & were very personal towards me, when Mummy in law threatened me with unlawful violence, I reckoned it wasn't going all that well. They never asked anything about why, how, our reasons etc. What they did take offence at was the unfair treatment towards them, how long it bwould take them to visit us, how old they are now & that we hadn't considered them, them,them, etc, etc.

All assistance from them has been withheld, washing & ironing the grand
daughters clothes are a thing of the past !

A visit to the financial advisor by the in laws closely followed our news !

Wonder why?

Summonsed to relatives & asked to explain our unfair treatment of the in laws followed. All in all an enlightening experience which has reinforced our decision.

With hindsight, I would wait until the Visa has been approved, but still don't regret being honest & upfront.

ps; Still havn't been asked why we want to do this enormous thing !!!
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Postby Dave » Fri 5 Nov 2004 15:48 GMT

Ouch! Sounds painful, Canadastew. :(

Family complications can be pretty dire, and it sounds as if you've had it worse than most. But if my own experience of family life is anything to go by I don't think you could have made it any easier for yourselves - if you'd done it earlier they'd have tried to persuade you otherwise, and if you'd done it later you'd have felt (and been made to feel) that you'd crept away like a thief in the night. It was your choice to make, you made it, and you were open about it. (I'd like to say "End of story" here, but of course families aren't always like that.)

I'm glad you don't regret either your choice or your honesty - more power to your elbow.
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Postby Projectmoose » Fri 5 Nov 2004 17:02 GMT

Poor you being put through the family gristmill like that! I finally told my parents after we'd submitted teh application - and I was more nervous than I'd ever been before when I'd had to tell them anything. Mum went very quiet (sure fire indication that she was not happy),, Dad immediately started planning on where and when he was going to buy his cottage so he can spend 6 months there and 6 months in England! In the end Mum was relieved that I was going to Canada (near my sister and 'safe') rather than to some other exotic and far flung location. The in-laws were a different matter: tears and sobbing prevailed but, in the end, they see why we want to do it and understand that a 7 hour flight home is not impossible.

I guess ultimately we all have to decide if we are going to live our lives for us or for everyone else....tough call!
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Postby Morwenna » Sat 6 Nov 2004 13:12 GMT

This came up on the general board so rather than taxing my brain as to writing a new answer I'll copy and post what I put there :lol:

"hehe...... we told everyone almost as soon as the thought occurred to us!

We told the boys, and though they were mildly astonished, they were/are mostly terribly excited at the idea.
We told our parents fairly soon after, partly because I am incapable of keeping a secret, especially one so exciting, and partly because we knew Mr Morw's mum would be devastated.

His dad only died about 18 months earlier, and as she only had the one child, she is understandably terrified. We thought, however, that she'd be more upset once she found out we were plotting to leave and hadn't told her, and also reckoned that she'd have plenty of time to get used to the idea before we went. We had tears and tantrums etc. at first, but latterly she's been ringing us to let us know if anything comes up on the TV etc re Canada! I rather think she might come with us!!!

My parents will be sad to see us go of course, but they are totally in support, bless them. All our folks are in their 80's now, and my mum has been quite frail and poorly lately, but they are promising (threatening) to come visit us in Canada!!

I'm glad we told ..... I should have burst by now otherwise!! "

Good Lord, Canadastew, your inlaws' reactions were a bit extreme though! Poor you! ....I suppose the best thing is to let them all stew, refuse to let them brow-beat you, and maybe once they see you are going whatever, they may see the sense in not completely estranging themselves from you and yours just because they don't like what you are doing! They are only cutting off their noses to spite their own faces if they do!!! Stay firm. 8)

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Postby Purley » Sat 6 Nov 2004 18:27 GMT

Yes, that really is extreme. And very selfish. I notice their objections were all about them and nothing to do with you and your family.

I would hope that if one of my sons suggested moving somewhere far away I would be sorry about it but I would give them all the support I could.

If they both moved somewhere - hopefully to the same place - then I would move too because really the only reason I am here is because they are here!!!
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