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Decisions, decisions...

How do I convince my wife moving is the Right thing to do?

Have I made the right choice? Homesickness etc.

How do I convince my wife moving is the Right thing to do?

Postby anon7656 » Fri 18 Jul 2008 08:58 GMT

I know this has been asked before on the forum but I am desperate!

I am almost a broken man about this, although I and many others in my family know a move from the UK would be the best thing for our family (we have 2 kids 3yrs and 3 months) my wife is insistent she could never move.

Its not that she aggress Canada is a tremendous place to move, but she is deluded or just plain stubborn thinking all is well in the UK. She rarely if ever reads a newspaper or watches the news, it makes her depressed but also it seems to make her think that if she doesn’t hear about things they don't happen!

She is a smart and intelligent person but on this subject she seems to turn in to unresponsive & belligerent mad women.
Here parents are kind of supportive, even thinking of coming over with us. My parents would be sad but know it would be better for the kids, and many friends think we are mad not just doing it.

The worst thing is that I am starting to feel resentful that my wife will not even enter a discussion about it; in her mind there is NO discussion to be had.
This is hugely frustrating and like anything in the world the more someone tells you that you cant have something the more you want it.

I want to approach this from a logical point of view, but my wife turns it in to an emotional battle throwing in buckets of guilt.
I really am at the end of my tether, no idea how to open up the discussion again. If we don't at least consider it then it will fester and eat away at me over months and years.

We have agreed to visit the Toronto area, but my wife clearly says “JUST for a holiday"....even if she loves it I know she will refuse to let herself being drawn in to liking it as that in her mind would be a "way in" for my argument.

I just know this country will not provide our kids with the safety, education or prospects they need or deserve. My parents moved to the UK to give us a better life and I want to/need to do the same for our kids.
The fact that my wife seems to put missing her parents and friends (who she rarely sees) ahead of the kids is a source of anger and resentment for me. As I keep saying “we” are a family and I as their father need to do the best for them, regardless of how anyone else feels….they are my 100% no1 priority in life.

If we don’t move I will always have it hanging over me that I could have given them more and as a parent that is almost unforgivable.

I have posted previously about places to live and work, but realistically I have this huge barrier to overcome before we can think about that.

Any suggestions, stories, pointers....anything that may help would be so appreciated…and thanks for reading my rant!

Yours in hope,

[anon7656]
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Postby carolinedraper » Fri 18 Jul 2008 15:30 GMT

I really feel for you. The trouble is unless you discuss this then she may well end up destroying the marriage anyway - you do sound that bad.

Unfortunately like you already know you cannot force someone to change their mind or even listen to you.

To me the fact that she refuses to look at the news is an indication that she does not want to face reality - after all it makes her depressed. It may us depressed to see a once Great country going down the plug hole.

Where do you live at the moment? We came from Essex but moved to the midlands due to work and my parents (who were from Essex) moved to Devon to escape the rat race and attitudes.

We find that where they live now has distorted their view on the UK, and they have almost forgotten the reasons they left the SE to start with. Living in rural Devon makes you feel like you are in a safe bubble and that the nasty outside world cannot touch you. Which then blinkers their ideas, when we said about all the horses in our farm getting slashed and stabbed by local kids - not youths - but kids they said "Oh you must live some where rough" ok so the place was not perfect but hang on I have read the local Devon papers and it happens there too. My parents just watch the main news on tv and do not get papers and in fact they do not mix at all with the locals which means they do not know what is really happening on their doorstep.

Also I think your wife is scared - really scared, she has built herself a safety bubble where the world cannot harm her, and if she listens to you then that means all she has held dear and built her beliefs on are wrong. Many people cannot cope with that - they believe ignorance is bliss.

Try telling her you appreciate that she may be scared and can understand that, but does she want teh same for your children - to grow up blinked cos its safer.

As for her parents you state that they may make the move with you. Blows her arguement out the water. Try getting her parents to talk to her.

Get her to make a list pros and cons of the UK and a similar one for Canada. Tell her that you are willing to listen to why she does not want to move if she will do the same for you.
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Postby chutley » Fri 18 Jul 2008 19:01 GMT

Divorce her. :twisted:

Loads of beautiful women over there. Buy a sports car too.
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Postby jessica » Fri 18 Jul 2008 19:07 GMT

Once you've done what Caroline suggests - on top of that, suggest a timelimit. She tries it for a period of time - say three years? If it isn't working out for her, then you go back for a holiday with a view to moving back. The three years has to be cold turkey - no going back on holiday to the UK before then. So the visit after three years will give a completely fresh view. By then she may be completely at home in Canada and ok with it all; or she'll go back on holiday and see the crowded miserableness of it all.

Can you come here on a temporaryi work permit (sorry, can't remember your other posts with your skills and wotnot) to make it seem less permanent for her. Don't sell your house so that she doesn't feel threatened and just rent over here. But make the rental a nice house in a nice area to give Canada a fair chance.

And I hope you were joking Chutley :wink:

Good luck.
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Postby anon7656 » Fri 18 Jul 2008 21:31 GMT

Thanks all for the replies so far.
Caroline I don't think we are near a split other than this its all good, but I must admit the longer it goes on the more I seem to have a sense of desperation that is growing around this subject.
You are correct reality is not something my wife likes, she very much lives life without thinking what is going on in the wider world. Its a lovely place to be but totally unrealistic especially as the kids get older and reality comes knocking on the door!
We currently lie in Milton Keynes, although the but of many jokes its a good place to live in comparison to some. We have a nice big house, garden and good surrounding area. However as with the whole country things change and quickly and we are already having a few "hoddie kids" problems in our area.
My wife however as you say is blinkered to the point of madness, she does not want to accept that anything has changed since we where kids in the 70's and 80's.
I did think having her parents on board (especially her Mum) may swing it, but she just comes up with more excuses not to talk about things....friends, job, nothing wrong with the country....you name it she has used it as a reason not to consider a move.
However your point at the end is a great one and I hope that she will do this, but fear that even this will be taken as me "pushing things".

Chutley I assume thats a joke, after 15 years together and 2 kids we are a very strong couple and good friends....this will not break us, but it may weaken the bound.

Jessica your point is excellent, I sis think this myself as have some of my friends. I think that is totally reasonable and gives my wife "a way back" if things really do not work out.
I think renting for a bit is a good idea(building our Canadian credit history if nothing else) is sensible and the money we would get from maybe renting out house out in the UK would more than cover costs in Canada.
We would defo look at a good area around GTA, Oakville, Burlington, Guelph, Vaughan, Brampton and Barrie have all come up.
Unfortunately I work in advertising sales so not a job that Canada is crying out for from immigrants, but sales is sales and I can adapt.

I would love to do this before our eldest gets to school, thats 2.5 years away but even if I started the process now it would probably not happen. I fear once he gets to school the gates will be firmly shut by my wife...the ultimate argument is not to upset the kids schooling!!

I will try both your suggestions and would appreciate any others.

Thanks so much.
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Postby deppfan64 » Fri 18 Jul 2008 21:48 GMT

Hi

The guys on here have pretty much covered it.....
We came over on work permits....we both wanted to come..but I still had very very bad homesickness and regrets, and there were times when I was ready to pack my bags and go.
Imagine how your wife will cope if she didn't want to come here in the first place? This immigration process is very very hard....and can really make or break any relationship unless you both want it and are willing to ride out the good and bad days.
We had friends back in the UK where the hubby wanted to go to Oz and wife didn't. This was going on for a couple of years and it did start to show in their marriage and he admitted that he did feel resentful of her for not even trying it.
Then one day, she literally just woke up and had had enough of the UK and said that she was willing to give it a go. They are now happily living in Oz and she said she would never come back.
Come here for a holiday, give your wife some breathing space for a while and see what happens.
I feel for you....but it has to be her decision.
Please let us know how things go

Mal
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Postby anon7656 » Fri 18 Jul 2008 23:30 GMT

Thanks Mal, a holiday is defo on the cards for next year....I will also plan a few trips to places i mention above for housing as well as having a break in Toronto....that at least my wife has agreed to.

Lets hope as with your friend she wakes one day and says lets go, but I fear the only chance of that happening is if something unpleasent happened to someone she knows be it family or friend and that is not something anyone wishes for.

I will keep plugging away with reason, facts and a bit of emotion...she may finally agree to at least give it a to shut me up! :)

Thanks again.

Ps. how do you find Barrie? anything set it apart from other places I mention above?
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Postby deppfan64 » Fri 18 Jul 2008 23:43 GMT

Hi

I really wish you luck...hang in there because stranger things have happened :)

We have been in Barrie since we first came over, 2 years ago. We chose it because we have family not too far away. In hindsight I think we should have moved a bit closer to Toronto...for hubby's sake really. He travels to a lot of areas around the GTA with his work as it is harsh in the winter if you have to commute to Toronto. The winters in Barrie, in my opinion, are fairly long and there is a lot of snow. My neighbour moved from Mississauga to Barrie two years ago....and she said that she has never seen so much snow. In the midst of winter, we pretty much have to shovel 2 or sometimes 3 times a day...she was saying that they used to shovel twice through the whole winter!

Having said that Barrie is a nice place to raise a family....there is the waterfront with a beach....the ski resorts are in driving distance and they have a lot going on throughout the year.
I think we will probably stay here for another 3 years and then look to move a bit closer to Toronto....not right in the middle of it though LOL

Best wishes

Mal
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Postby anon7656 » Sat 19 Jul 2008 11:09 GMT

Hi Mal, yes have heard Barrie is much colder and gets much more snow then the surrounding GTA, so may think of somewhere closer...if we ever get their.

Which areas are you thinking of? have you been to places such as Burlington & Oakville?

Heard good reports but always to get as many opinions as possible.

Thanks again.

....I will keep the dream alive as long as I can!
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