It is currently Tue 12 Nov 2019 06:18 GMT
Change font size

Decisions, decisions...

Depression

Have I made the right choice? Homesickness etc.

Depression

Postby cazntone » Tue 19 May 2009 02:58 GMT

Ok. Here's my story. My husband is English and I am Canadian. We lived in England for about 2 years, came back to Canada in 2006 because I was pregnant, stayed a year and went back to England. We then stayed there for about a year and a half and finally came back to Canada to stay. We have only been here since December. We have a 3 year old girl who, we both decided, would have a nicer upbringing here in Canada.

When we were here in 2006, my hubby had a pretty hard time. He was making crap money and couldn't stop comparing how expensive the cost of living in the two countries was. We also had a new baby and I think it was a bit too much for him. So after a year we went back. He had big dreams of making a tonne of money and saving it and coming back and buying a house and all the rest of it. Alas, it didn't happen. Things were not ideal in England but we were ok. We still wanted to come back to Canada and decided to in December.

He has become a shadow of himself. He drags himself out of bed everyday to go to work. (He's a carpenter and used to jump out of bed and arrive 30 minutes early) He comes home and is grumpy, sullen and angry. He drinks constantly. He hates Sunday because he has to go to work the next day. He has absolutely nothing positive to say about Canada. In fact, if you spoke to him, you would think Canada is just about the worst place in the world. England is the best place in the world because everything is cheap and wonderful. Even the weather!

He knows he is depressed and just wants to wallow. I can't do a thing to help him. Like I said I am Canadian and he believes we just think differently. I thought that some expats might have an idea or two.

Thanks
Posted by:
cazntone
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue 19 May 2009 02:34 GMT
Location: London, Ontario

Postby Kay » Tue 19 May 2009 09:37 GMT

Hi Cazntone

Welcome to the British Expat forum. I'm not sure I have any useful advice or ideas for you as this is a very difficult issue to deal with. I'll try to help anyway.

It might help to split it into the different aspects of the problem and see what you could do to tackle these. I think the main issues are both practical and psychological. The practical issues being where you live, jobs, cost of living etc. And there's the psychological issue of your husband's mental health.

If he thinks everything in England, or indeed the UK as a whole, is wonderful, then he is looking through rose-tinted spectacles. That's why so many people are running in the opposite direction and becoming expats. (Good idea to ask on an expat forum!)

Depression is a difficult thing to deal with - I know from experience. It can become like a kind of paralysis. Even when you know what could be done to help yourself, you are paralysed and can't move forward. You need something to break out of that cycle - a holiday, a new job, a new project, etc. The main thing is to do something to move forward.

I think yo-yo-ing back and forth between Canada and England is doing no good for any of you. It must be very unsettling as well as expensive. Have you considered moving to a different area in Canada? Look out for Lorry on the forum. Things went badly for her family and they thought they might have to return to the UK (they didn't want to) but they managed to resolve their difficulties by moving to a new area. A new area would mean a new start and a new job for your husband.

Does he really hate his job? Why? Is it the work itself or the people he works with? Would a different job improve things for him and thus you as well? As an alternative, could he become self employed and run his own business?

It seems as though he thinks that the cost of living is higher in Canada than in the UK. This surprises me as I'd have thought the opposite was true.

Anyway, good luck with it all. We have some good people on here so I'm sure you'll find lots of support. Feel free to come back any time for a 'chat'.
Not Delia - Foodie blog with lots of reviews and recipes.
Posted by:
User avatar
Kay
Site Admin
 
Posts: 15338
Joined: Wed 22 Jan 2003 13:06 GMT
Location: Kent for a couple of years

Postby Lorry » Tue 19 May 2009 12:40 GMT

Hi Cazntone (and Kay),

It is very difficult to deal with depression, whether you have it, or your partner has it. My family and I have lived in Canada since July 2007 and we do love it here, most of the time.
I went back to the UK for a weeks visit last August, and when I came back to Canada, i went through a severe depression. England was all I could think about - my friends, my family, decent clothes and food, everything seemed better there.
This wasn't helped by the fact that we were really struggling financially and thought we were going to lose our house. Plus we were going through the harsh winter months, which seems to exagerate how bad things are.

So, after alot of arguments, I convinced my hubby that moving back was the best thing for us and so we started looking for work over there. Unfortunately this kicked off a depression in him as he really didn't want to go back, but realised we may have no choice.
Thankfully, I settled back down to life here and a job opportunity never really arose over there. I always knew that going back would possibly be a huge mistake, I mean, what would we go back to???

It is now May and hubby has just been offered 2 excellent job opportunities here in Nova Scotia. We did get an offer on our house, but turned it down.
We are hoping to move on now and start again here in NS.

All I can say is, hopefully your partner will settle down here, with summer on the way he may see new opportunities and have a brighter outlook. Maybe he should seek a new job, or you should move elsewhere in Canada.
Arrange for some friends to come round, or to go to them, maybe they may know of some job opportunities locally?

I hope it all works out for you. :D

Kay, we did mange to stay in Nova Scotia thanks to a new job opportunity coming up. We are staying here for the foreseeable future.

:D
Reminder: Premium Membership is required for access to private messages. Sign up now!
Posted by:
Lorry
Free member
 
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat 10 Mar 2007 17:06 GMT
Location: Lower Sackville, Nova Scotia

Postby Kay » Tue 19 May 2009 14:56 GMT

Hi Lorry

Many thanks for coming back with such a good reply. I hope Cazntone finds it helpful.

Sorry for saying you moved area, when in fact you didn't, but I think it was something you were seriously considering. It's a wee bit hard to keep up with everyone and all their comings and goings sometimes, but I do try. 8)
Not Delia - Foodie blog with lots of reviews and recipes.
Posted by:
User avatar
Kay
Site Admin
 
Posts: 15338
Joined: Wed 22 Jan 2003 13:06 GMT
Location: Kent for a couple of years

Postby Lorry » Tue 19 May 2009 15:09 GMT

Hi Kay,

No problem. It was touch and go there for a while and it has been a very difficult winter. Thankfully good luck came to us just at the right time, and it saved us a fortune in moving fees
:wink: Hopefully now it will be onwards and upwards!

It really does take time to adjust, after all, moving to a new Country is a huge commitment, and you should only consider it if you are 100% positive it's what you want. Leaving friends and family is not easy!
I definately think you really need 2-3 years to settle into a new place, that's time to network and find a great job opportunity. I'm happy we are staying here after all.

:D
Reminder: Premium Membership is required for access to private messages. Sign up now!
Posted by:
Lorry
Free member
 
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat 10 Mar 2007 17:06 GMT
Location: Lower Sackville, Nova Scotia

Postby cazntone » Tue 19 May 2009 17:10 GMT

Thank you Kay and Lorry, your replies have been helpful. I know that we need to give it time and I want to stay. Hubby, on the other hand, can not see the light. He feels he is starting from the very beginning of his apprenticeship with work and he just can't bear it. He is used to being the lead carpenter and is now reduced to moving things around for people. He is just so frustrated he feels completely undervalued and unappreciated. He is also, like you said, paralyzed and can't or won't find a new job. I will do whatever to make him happy.

I am hoping a move to probably B.C or Nova Scotia will help but we will have to wait a while until things become a little bit more financially stable. I can't forsee us going before next year.

In the meantime I will be patient and support him. That is all I can do.
Posted by:
cazntone
New Member
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue 19 May 2009 02:34 GMT
Location: London, Ontario

Postby Lorry » Thu 21 May 2009 10:19 GMT

Hi Cazntone,

It really may be worth arranging that night with friends to help cheer him up.
One thing I have learnt about living here in NS (not sure if it's the same for Ontario?) is that it's not what you know, it's who you know!
Friends may be able to guide you in the right direction, or may know someone who's offering work and may have some contacts.
Some may know the area better and may know the job situation where you are.

I hope he settles down and you are able to stay. It may be worth reminding him why he left the UK in the first place, and keep talking about all the positive things here.

good luck :D
Reminder: Premium Membership is required for access to private messages. Sign up now!
Posted by:
Lorry
Free member
 
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat 10 Mar 2007 17:06 GMT
Location: Lower Sackville, Nova Scotia

Postby deppfan64 » Sat 23 May 2009 18:48 GMT

Hi Cazntone

I'm really sorry that you and your family are having such a hard time. The moving between the two countries is not helping matters, but I can understand why you have done it.
We have lived here since 2006. We came over with hubby's job so he infact is doing the same job but in a different country, so he has settled very well. I on the other hand was very very homesick as I had given up a lot of things including a great job...which I have still not been able to achieve here. I used to spend my days looking at english DVD's, talking to english friends etc....and I became very depressed.
I then sat down and wandered why we came here and what we hoped to acheive. I found a job and the depression eased off. I was laid off from that job in January and was determined not to get down again. So I am hoping to do a short college course and then we plan to move to a different part of Ontario as there are no jobs where we live...or none that I can find!!
It is sooo easy to get into that spiral of comparing the two countries...each of them offer something new and different. There are tons of things I miss about the UK but I know that if we moved back I would miss tons about Canada!!

I really wish you well and hope that your husband can feel more settled.

Mal
Reminder: Premium Membership is required for access to private messages. Sign up now!
Posted by:
deppfan64
Free member
 
Posts: 446
Joined: Fri 15 Sep 2006 12:24 GMT
Location: Barrie, ON


Return to Decisions, decisions...



cron