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Decisions, decisions...

Have you told the children that they'll never see me again!!

Have I made the right choice? Homesickness etc.

Have you told the children that they'll never see me again!!

Postby Alicat » Sat 13 Jun 2009 18:46 GMT

Hi all,

Well after months of dodging the subject my mother :evil: finally decided to ask me this morning about my plans for Canada.

To say that she is not supportive would be the understatement!!!! Sample quotes from this mornings conversation...........

'Have you told the children that they will never see me and their Grandad ever ever ever again!' - I have four children aged 7,6,4&3.

'We aren't getting any younger you know!' - She is nearly 59 and my Dad turned 60 earlier this year. Their health is on the whole OK, they do have a few issues but nothing exciting.

'I can't be doing with those long haul flights, they drive me mad so I won't be coming over to see you' - Tried to explain that it only takes 6hrs 40mins maximum to Halifax, Nova Scotia. Could be worse I could be going to Vancouver!!!!

Years ago (before I was born) my Mum and Dad considered emigrating to Australia but decided not to go at the last minute. So I said to her that I didn't want to have any regrets in 10 years time if I didn't go. I think she lost the plot then and responded that I could always get a caravan instead!!! I felt totally lost and decided it was time to move the conversation on swiftly.

Only trouble is, I have been stressing about it all day, I feel so guilty and am starting to doubt my decision. She has made me think about illness, bereavement etc and it is not a nice feeling at all that I could be hundreds of miles away when she needs me here. I do have a brother that lives about 5 miles away and he has two children (aged 4&2) so I am not taking their only grandchildren away forever, as she puts it!

I don't consider myself to be a selfish person at all, but I believe that if I am to be selfish once in my life it has to be on this. Right???? It's the best for my children, they will have greater opportunities in Canada. She thinks things in the UK will improve in the next 10 years, on what grounds I do not know.

Reassurance needed from anyone who has experienced similiar resistance from parents, please.

Thanks in advance, sorry to go on.

Alison xx
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Postby anon7656 » Sat 13 Jun 2009 19:10 GMT

Hi Alison,

Wow and I thought my in-laws were bad!

My parents while not happy have been generally supportive, knowing going down the road of "what about us?" will just make me dig my heals in.

The in-laws however sound exactly like your parents, they are only 56 & 58 with no health issues and swan off every 4 months on holiday to the Med!!

I know what we(as in you & I) are doing for our families is 100% right, it is in my opinion the hight of selfishness and lack of knowledge that drives parnets to react in this way.

After all it seems they don't want us not to go because Canada is a bad place and we will hate it.....oh no....its because what will they do now that they are left behind.

It does make my blood boil!! Parents should support, no matter if they agree or not. As I said my parents don't want us to go buy by God they will rather support us then pi*s us off....they know that this can only backfire.

I would reverse it and ask how they would have felt if their parnts had acted in such a selfish and negative way, and would they rather hurt you and keep you here resenting them or let you go and maybe be proved right if things don't work out!?

I full understand what you are going through, for us its put tremendous pressure on my wife that her parents are acting in such a way and I am on the edge of disowning them for it.

We have 2 kids(4 & 1) yet all they want is for them to able to see them easily....sod out future its all about them.
Now on a very controversial view its this, everyone including our parents will die. No one wants it but its fact....so what happens then in 10-15-20 years when the wheel of life turns.

We are left with no parents, grown up kids and a dream of what may have been. Its not the nicest thing to say or think but its the truth....I will never live my life for anyone bar my kids....once they get to 18 its up to them, good or bad my job as a parent is to support, advise and pick up the mess if things go wrong.

It is not to blackmail and guilt trip my flesh and blood in to doing something for MY good....kids are not pets they are people, I think sometimes parents forget that!

Sorry to be a bit ranty but I have strong feelings about this subject.
So hang in there, believe in yourself and never show weakness, its your strength that will get you through.....and trust me in 2 years time they will be flying over to see you and wondering what all the fuss was about!!

All the best.
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Postby Kay » Sat 13 Jun 2009 19:14 GMT

Hi Alison

Sorry, I can't reassure you from the point of view of someone who's gone through the same. But you have to live your own life and do what you think is best for you and your family. You really shouldn't be dictated to or be put under emotional blackmail in this way. You're a grown up now - you don't have to do what your parents tell you. Especially since, in so many cases, they have no real understanding of what it is exactly that you want to do.

Don't let them lay a guilt trip on you. By all means invite them to visit, or visit them, but don't change your whole future because they want to hold you back from doing what you want to do.

Just my opinion. Good luck! 8)
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Postby Alicat » Sat 13 Jun 2009 19:46 GMT

[anon7656] / Kay,

I hoped that I would receive some supportive replies to help me put things in perspective and I certainly did, so thanks guys :lol: .

Thanks again, I will let you know how things go.

Alison
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Postby deppfan64 » Sun 14 Jun 2009 17:41 GMT

Hi Guys

I thought I would post on our experience. My in laws were very supportive of us coming out here even though they were not in the best of health. My mum was pretty devestated about it and I too got the "Well I'll probably never see you again" guilt trip. But we decided that we had to do this for ourselves and our children. It was very hard.

We have now been here 3 years and I have to say that our youngest who is now 8 seems to miss his grandparents more and more...especially my father in law. He recently had his first communion and I could see he was upset when his buddies were talking about their grandpa and grandma coming over to their house etc.
I know that technology is moving so fast with video phones etc and Canada isn't a million miles away...but it is still hard to know that your children will grow up without the extended family around on a regular basis.

Mal
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Postby carolinedraper » Mon 15 Jun 2009 19:00 GMT

I agree with Mal. It is hard and our kids miss their grandparents lots. We flew my parents out for Xmas and they stayed long enough to see their third grandchild born. They were very happy but devestated to leave again.

Please see my old post on WWIII. My mum went mental and even now I get the odd tears on phone and abuse. Mind you she has been out 3 times now since 2006 and is coming out in 2 weeks. Its a shame that they react like they do but at least it shows they care. My parents were devestated etc my husbands do not give a flying fig. My husband's parents never even phone here to speak with the kids - mind you they never phoned when we lived in the UK.
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Postby tigger » Tue 16 Jun 2009 01:44 GMT

Ummmm with similar family reactions - and I love mine very much - it is one reason TO move out here...

Finally after 40 years I can start living my life, my way....

Hang in there - follow your heart and although we don't have any - bringing your kids up over here is a MUCH better option than the UK right now...

Just hang in there....

Ps... My parents lived in Canada and USA when I was growing up - never did me any harm not seeing the grandparents so often.... I still loved the time we did have - so I am sure yours will feel the same...

Tigger
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Postby Alicat » Tue 16 Jun 2009 09:31 GMT

Thanks for all your replies :D

I always knew that breaking the news to my parents would be difficult and I do realise that my children will miss their Grandparents very much as they are a hugh part of their lives. We live in the same village and my Mum sees the children most days. She even walks out in a morning to meet us on the walk to school, just so she can see them for 10 minutes before school/nursery!

My mother in law came round to see us last night and her attitude is very different. She now admits that she did have a few tears about it on her own, but that she pulled herself together and understands that although she doesn't want us to go either she knows it is our decision to make and that it probably is the best thing for her grandchildren and therefore, she will support us 100%.

Whilst that is nice to know, that is not the whole story....... whilst she acted as 'Grandma of the year' last night she actually has very little to do with us, we only see her every 2/3 months and at times we have gone 6 months without seeing her. She has the attitude that she does not need to bother with her grandchildren as they have two capable parents (yes, she did say that to me once!!!!!)

Like I say, I know that we will ALL miss each other, but surely the pros of going to Canada are greater than the cons. Also the world seems a lot smaller these days with email, webcams, telephones and direct flights (not the same I know, put must help a bit!)

Mal / Caroline - thanks for your thoughts, it does benefit sometimes to hear negatives as well as positives as I don't want to see everything through rose tinted glasses! Having said that....... Do you both still think you made the right choice?

Thanks again for the support.

Alison
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Postby carolinedraper » Tue 16 Jun 2009 14:57 GMT

Yes. For our and our children's welfare and sanity we believe it has been for the best. But our eldest does miss my parents at times and even our other two who are Dual Nationality miss them. Our 2 year old is very excited about nanny and grandad coming next week. He keeps saying "Nanny soon".

Mum and Dad really really miss them and we would sponsor them out here in a shot. But mum loves her little Devon village and her award winning garden and hates snow. Dad would be out today if he could. Maybe one day, I know if either were on their own then there would be no worries on that score.

But in reality that is how my mum is and always has been and so it does not matter if I live here or in the UK. Unless we live in the same village her reaction was always going to be the same.

Does time make it easier? No is the HONEST answer. But you learn ways to counter act it and get on with life. As children get older they can travel as UMs and visit them.
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Postby Alicat » Tue 16 Jun 2009 15:18 GMT

:lol: On a lighter note........we received our medical requests today! Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :lol:
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Postby Alicat » Fri 7 Aug 2009 12:58 GMT

Just wanted to update everyone on the latest.......

Well, what a difference 6/7 weeks makes! My Mum has totally come round and is now even talking about 'when she comes over'! She called round this morning with flowers, homemade fruit cake for my husband (his favourite), gifts for the kids and is generally being delightful. She is even taking the grandchildren on holiday next week for 10 days.

Trouble is, when she's nice it makes it harder for me!!!!!! (never happy, am I????)

Mother-in-law on the otherhand was very supportive and now she has had a complete u-turn, she requested that we go round her house earlier this week and to be honest it was just so she could have a 'go'. She said that she fails to see how anything can be so perfect and that we are going to come back down with a hard bang. Charming isn't it? Thing that amused us is that we have never said that it is going to be perfect or easy, in fact certain aspect will no doubt be extremely hard. Needless to say, I won't be rushing back round to her place any time soon.

Our passports are currently at London, just got the house to sell and then we will be on our way.

Thanks guys for all the support :D

Alison
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Postby carolinedraper » Fri 7 Aug 2009 13:04 GMT

Well you cannot win.

My mum had a great time here, but now she is back in the UK she is blaming me for Gordon Brown and Airport Tax Duty.

Its not my fault that the tax now costs more then the ticket price!!!!!!!
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Postby deppfan64 » Fri 7 Aug 2009 18:20 GMT

You know what guys....sometimes it is easier to just agree and nod your head....even in a phone call!!!

I have learnt to do that with my mum. We've been here 3 years now and she calls me about 3-4 times per week...and there is not one phone call where she doesn't say to me "I bet you regret going there now"...I almost feel neglected when she doesn't say it LOL

You can't please everybody, just have to please yourselves sometimes

Mal
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Postby alexfiona » Mon 17 Aug 2009 07:16 GMT

All you guys' experiences sounds so familiar to me!! We moved when my son was 19months and I'd just found out I was pregnant with my daughter (totally unplanned!!). Both sets of parents have had their problems dealing with our move, to the extent that my husband got the silent treatment from my parents for about the first three years after the move! My in-laws would love to find fault in our move but, as they truly believe that it was their precious son's idea they find it hard to be too picky. They did loved that I was practically clinically depressed for the first 6months of the move (so much so, that I went home after 3 months!). Gotta love the outlaws!!
I really miss my parents at piano, dance (mine and my daughter's) recitals and I often have a wee cry for home. My kids miss out on lots of things that the other grandchildren take for granted but their life here is so positive in other ways that I would struggle to move back to Glasgow. Both sets of parents are getting old and I know my dad will never visit again (he's only been once and hated it). We try to get home as much as we can and my husband can visit at least twice a year with his work. But it's the children they miss the most and I know that my children miss them.
Funny enough, the Grandparents that I was closer to, lived in Northern Ireland and we only ever saw them during the school holidays. Whereas the ones who lived in the same city as us we weren't as close to.
Good luck!
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Postby Motherhen » Tue 18 Aug 2009 17:47 GMT

As a newbie at the begining of this process the only worry I have is leaving my Dad, despite him having a new wife and adopted pafkage of Grandchildren. We have two, 8 and 3. My Mother and I are chalk and cheese and don;t get along very well. I have raised emigration a few times over the years.

It is so reassuring to know that the reaction I am expecting as I drag us through this process is not alien to all other souls and I am not in isolation. I know my Dad wont obstruct or turn on me, he will be devastated quietly. But my Mother will be hideous and use every trick.

Perversely, having read these posts, I am smiling inside and nodding in practice. :roll:
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