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In the news...

The best jokes from the House of Fun, categorised to make it easier to find what you're looking for. Only Moderators can post here. If you'd like to share a joke, please post in the HOF. [Legacy forum—now closed to new posts]

In the news...

Postby Kay » Tue 4 Nov 2003 10:53 GMT

submitted by: Sydney Sue

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this
story of a central west couple who drove their car to
K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned
later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public
ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across
the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing
idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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Headline News

Postby SSue » Sat 10 Jan 2004 10:38 GMT

submitted by 9coronas

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."

Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"

"Sure," the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"

The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"
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Postby Kay » Thu 26 Oct 2006 09:53 GMT

Submitted by Savannah Alan

Image
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A few credit crunch "boom-boom" jokes

Postby Dave » Fri 15 May 2009 18:41 GMT

Submitted by: Mr Kriss

Q. How do you define optimism?

A. A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.

==============================

Q. What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?

A. The pizza can still feed a family of four.

==============================

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

==============================

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

==============================

Q. What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?

A. Big Mac and fries, please.

==============================

Overheard in a City bar: 'This credit crunch is worse than a divorce.

I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.'

==============================

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.' Is it them or me?

==============================

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank. A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'

==============================

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots yesterday.

==============================

Q. What's the capital of Iceland ?

A. About €3.50.

==============================

An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the chaos?'

==============================

A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?'

'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'

==============================

Money talks. Trouble is, mine knows only one word: 'Goodbye.'


=====================
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