How to shower

By Kay McMahon, 3 March 2002

How to shower like a woman

Take off clothing and place in a sectioned laundry basket according to light, darks, whites, manmade or natural. Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen on the way – cover up any exposed flesh and run into bathroom.

Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about being fat. Get into shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with tea tree shampoo, then apply cucumber & comfrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oils. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 mins until raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse hair for 15 mins. Shave legs and armpits. Consider shaving bikini line, but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns boiling hot.

Turn off shower. Get out of shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces of shower. Spray shower with shower spray. Dry entire body with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest signs of spots. Use nails/tweezers if needed. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband is seen on the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush into bedroom. Spend next hour getting dressed.

How to shower like a man

Take off clothes whilst sitting on bed – leave them in pile on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom. If wife is seen on the way, shake knob at her whilst shouting “Wey hey!!” Look in mirror and suck in gut to get a manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell finger.

Get into shower. Don’t bother to look for facecloth – don’t need one. Wash face and armpits. Laugh at how loud fart sounds in shower. Wash bollocks and arse – leaving hairs on soap. Shampoo hair and make mohican hairstyle using bubbles. Pull back curtain to see hairstyle in mirror. Rinse off and turn off shower. Get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor caused by shower curtain hanging outside of bath for entire showering time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror. Flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave bath mat on floor and light on.

Return to bedroom with towel round waist, leaving wet footprints on floor. If wife seen on the way, drop towel, grab knob and go “Yeah, baby!” whilst thrusting pelvis at her.

Put on yesterday’s clothes.