Fit aboot a stoved tattie?

By Mike Clark, 29 December 2002

Tak’ a puckle tatties – Kerr’s Pink’s a guid bet, though ony maincrap’ll dae.

Pare ’em, an’ slice ’em thin-kine.

Drap ’em in a suppie watter, forbyes they micht gan’ broon.

Syne tak’ an ingin or twa, an’ peel an’ dice.

Noo, here’s the tricky bit. Y’see, history’s a wee bit contermashious. Some wad say stovies need a bit o’ beef. Ithers wad say, stovies wiz invented ’cos there wiz NAE beef tae be had.

Noo, me, I sweer stovies shouldna hae beef. For the only reason we eat stovies, is ‘cos we were fair scunnnered o’ tatties in ony ither shape or form.

Bit if ye really wint tae gie yer stovies a wee bit o’ extra flavour, add a couple o’ rashers o’ smokey bacon. I ken it’s nae traditional, bit this is progress!

Okay, here’s fit ye dae.

Heat a pucklie ile in an aul’ pan. It his tae be an aul’ pan, ‘cos the stovies are only stovies if they’re welded tae the bottom. An’ ye widna want tae dae that tae a guid pan, wid ye?

It can be ony kine o’ ile ye like – olive, corn, whale, engine . . .

Syne cut up a bittie smokey bacon – posh fowk use lardons, fitivver they are. Hayve it in i’ pan, an’ fry a bittie. Syne hayve in i’ ingins, an’ fry a bittie mair.

Fan they’re a bittie birsled, hayve in i’ tatties, an’ rummle ’em aroon’ for a whilie.

Noo it’s cheatin’ time.

We nivver hid stock cubes in the true stovie days. Bit a ham cube is movin wi’ the times.

Sae’s a dash o’ L&P.

Saut an’ pepper, a suppie bilin’ watter, an’ simmer for twa or three days.

Weel, ’at’s a bit o’ an exaggeration. Probably twa ’oors’ll dae.

As lang as they’re biled dry an’ welded tae the pan.

The scrapin’s are the best bit.

Serve wi’ oatcakes an’ beetroot, an’ a big gless o’ milk.

Syne a guid dram for efters.
(PS. Ma spellcheckers’s jist died a horrible death. A’ wid gie it the kiss o’ life, bit A’m feart o’ gettin’ electrocuted.)

© Mike Clark 2002

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