Culture Vulture Schmulture – I

By Atoz, 17 October 2000

In a feature shamelessly “inspired” by The Times‘s Culture Vulture, British Expat brings you the above titled (subtitled “Things you should own, if they’re the sort of thing you might like…”)

This week we’re on to “I”, and Jimmy’s Magic Moment. Apologies for the lack of contributions lately, boys and girls, I know how much you hang on my every word!!

In the Heat of the Night is a pretty good film, and Innervisions by Stevie Wonder is a seminal album. Good word, “seminal”, you can use it to mean pretty much anything when you can’t think of anything else to say. Especially good when you don’t like the word “sublime”.

I hate fairy stories. I hate their sugary-sweet taste. I hate the saccharine way all loose ends are tied up nicely and the villains always get what’s coming to them. I hate the fact the child-stars are always entirely contemptible, the way there’s no sense of the real world in them. Oh sure, I can see their value in society, but basically I hate them. Get the message?

They teach you things as well, it’s all too twee. Why can’t children just learn to learn from their mistakes? Wasn’t like this in my day, mumble mumble.

I hate visions of houses made out of sweets, of giants humbled and of people getting chances to see their ultimate end. I hate nursery rhymes too. But I digress. The point at issue is that I really am not a fan of cloud worlds and magic beans, beautiful beasts and frogs that turn into princes, or even princesses. I despise with every fibre of my being the land where it’s always Christmas, or people sing cheery greetings and boys have dragons as friends. I hate the world where Darby O’Gill is permitted to breathe. Oh, when I get my hands on him…

I’m not anti-sentimental, I just don’t think it should be forced on you. I want the giant to eat Jack occasionally. I want Little Red Riding Hood to get no warning. I want the Three Little Pigs to have bought a Barratt home.

I hate the Muppets.

I don’t want to labour the point (actually that’s exactly what I want to do, I’ve got to get 500 words out of this diatribe) and I’m not a complete misanthropist (another blatant lie), I just want to make clear that films like While You Were Sleeping, Ghost, Muppets Take Manhattan et al gall me. It comes to something when I have to point out that that’s why I like Titanic, it doesn’t fob you off with a Hollywood ending. Which, incidentally, in case you haven’t grasped, is not my cup of proverbial.

I like It’s a Wonderful Life, though. And frankly, so should you. Oh dear, this article seems to have tied up quite neatly, almost as if.

Next week “J” and something you’ve probably never heard of. I might be happier by then as well. I need a beer, all this “studying” is getting a bit wearing.

I really do hate the Muppets.