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Transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Royal College of Psychiatry:

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline.

“If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

“If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

“If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

“If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

“If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

“If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

“If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

“If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

“If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

“If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, NI number, your mother’s maiden name, where you were this time last week, and the week before, the last five US Presidents and the capital of every former British Colony.

“If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

“If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

“If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9 If you have short-term memory loss, press 9

“If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

– If you have seen this joke before, press the back button.

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