In a feature shamelessly “inspired” by The Times‘s Culture Vulture, British Expat brings you the above titled (subtitled “Things you should own, if they’re the sort of thing you might like…”)

This week, “M” and a fairly wide range of things I’ve thought of. Mostly music, but then I am a Yoof, so what can you do, eh?

The Denise Lewises, David Beckhams, Lennox Lewises, Tanny Gray-Thompsons and Audley Harrisons of this competition include Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness and Machina; The Machines of War, both by the now sadly defunct Smashing Pumpkins (madmen, but talented). Also up there are The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, though I suspect britishexpat.com doesn’t have many phreaks visiting regularly, and Blur’s Modern Life is Rubbish, from when they hadn’t travelled quite so far up their.

Which leaves me with a face-off. How exciting. Can you feel it? The Beatles vs. Keanu Reaves. Hmm, could be a close one. Actually, it could well be. On the one hand The Matrix is a blockbuster that’s perhaps worth busting blocks with. Revolutionary special “fx”, including the now hackneyed Bullet Time camera work (Romeo Must Die and Charlie’s Angels), a chance to see Keanu Reaves act, a chance to see Keanu Reaves get his ass kicked by the all-conquering Laurence Fishburne (once Larry, he’s now gone all serious, which begs the question, why work with Reaves?), Carrie-Anne Moss (phwoar) and comedy deaths are but some of the reasons this is worth seeing. If you missed it on the big screen I have only one thing to say to you. Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries, I fart in your general direction, pigdogs. (Sorry about that, Monty Python and the Holy Grail was on the box the other day and I had half the Uni in my room giving away all the gags before they came on. Sad as you like.)

On the other hand, Magical Mystery Tour is a fairly reasonable album I grudgingly suppose. Let me get one thing straight: I will, until my dying day, continue to point out to anyone who cares to listen that “Strawberry Fields Forever” is pants, and “Penny Lane” is much better in every respect. Sampling the French national anthem was revolutionary in its own way and “Blue Jay Way” aside, every song’s a classic. Most bands would be proud to have released something half as good as a “Best Of” album. The booklet I have in my (original, nah-nah) vinyl copy makes the whole thing more of an experience; to hear is to believe. In fact, let me get another thing straight: Magical Mystery Tour the film is, um – how you say? – cack.

I suppose the adventurous amongst you could consider combining the two, listening to The Beatles as a soundtrack to The Matrix. Alternatively, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t understand any of the film’s plot (it has one! Blimey) and you wouldn’t hear any of “The Fool on the Hill’s” cutting lyrics. Although, that said, the violent comedy deaths (evil Joe Pantoliano. What a stupid name, Pantoliano. Who do you think you are, Pantoliano?) could be a treat to the strains of “With A Little Help From My Friends”.

Nächste Woche will ich vielleicht über “N” sprechen. Betcha can’t wait. Have fun, go mad.