“Ees very recommendable, Meester Crème. Itch jeer eez deeferent and Chechu organize the treep and orll the restaurants he advance book. Orll hchees friend beeg chiefs, beeg discunt, and dilishoos tapas.’ Graeme goes on the Seex Penis restaurant expedition – with disastrous results…
“‘Aksprosimately seex days, Meester Crème…ees for in-ars training. De bonk send eets members to the bitch for some good lessons.’ Well, lucky members, thought I. Now that’s what I call a bank that cares.” Dr Graeme Porte is invited to take his English teaching skills to the bank’s symposium at the seaside.
“I was now to be faced not just by one straining English pronunciation, but two hundred and thirty-seven, in assorted angel and shepherd attire, with abilities ranging from upper-intermediate, through beginner, and down to a one-off viewing in a friend’s house last June of a pirate Teletubbies video.” Graeme helps out with the local school Nativity play – in English…
“I placed my finger on the text and slowly read the sentence aloud: ‘Colon cancer: often no symptoms in the early stages.’ Manolo grasped my shaking finger and turned his head slowly towards me, eyes wide open in disbelief: ‘Mah gorsh, Meester Grimy. Ees iksactly what joo have got.'” Graeme has some toilet troubles to cope with…
“The message left on my answerphone had intrigued me: two policewomen whose main interest in foreign language learning was to sing karaoke. How do you prepare a lesson with these two? No use planning a quick dash through the Present Perfect. If anything, it was going to have to be Sing Something Present Simple.” Graeme coaches El Duo Dinámico…
“There is no point in resenting the fact that your fingerprints are to be forever-and-ever-olé on some petty functionary’s computer, nor worth protesting that ‘back home we don’t do that kind of thing’. You have to go with a submissive ‘here-unto-you-I-present-my-fingers-do-with them-what-you-will’ attitude.” Dr Graeme Porte applies for his Spanish ID card.